Fear of Self – Does this speak to you?

August 3, 2020

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JL Keez

I remember standing in my shower one morning thinking about why my body was refusing to heal. I had completed hours of interrogation regarding my life, my story, my symptoms. Frustration had been the flavour of my days for some time now. 

So, as I allowed the water to run over me and relax me, I asked the ‘why’ of my ongoing situation.

Fear of Self” were the words which appeared. I stood with these words circling…they actually made sense. I had acknowledged a lot of fears from my life already. One of them had been, “But no one will like me”. As I recalled this I spoke out loud, “Surely this is the same?” I realised it wasn’t.

“But no one will like me” placed the fear outside of me. Yes, I carried the fear, but it related to others around me. I had carried this fear for years. Lived the reality of these words over and over. I truly feared not being liked by anyone and saw it in my life daily. Until, in healing, I acknowledged the birth of this fear. Having originated via these words being heftily delivered at a very early age, I believed them. After all, the person delivering them was a trusted adult – they would know and were surely correct. 

Through my healing journey I discovered these words to be quite incorrect and were actually words which reflected the person who gave them to me. In giving them back and designing a new perspective regarding being liked, I was able to free myself from the hold I had experienced for far too long.

So when the words “Fear of Self” popped into my thoughts that morning I was, at first, confused. Not wishing to discard their wisdom, I quietly examined their meaning. Different to the fear of not being liked by others, this was a fear of not being liked by MYSELF. 

I had some thinking to do! Was I still afraid of being ME due to me perhaps not actually liking ME? Fair question. The more I thought about this pearl of wisdom dropping into my thoughts, I came to acknowledge that it was quite possible that even though I had accepted that people did like me, and some would not – and that was OK – I may not be in total acceptance of who I found myself to be. This was a new take, a twist, on a seemingly old fear!

I also acknowledged another way of looking at this thought. Was I still fearful of presenting the true me within all areas of my life, or was I still morphing or tweaking myself to fit in with the crowd I found myself in the company of. I discovered I was! It was not the case of others not liking me, it was the case of me still playing the game of being a slightly different version of myself depending on the people around me. They were not dismissing me, I was. And how would I know anyway? Tweaking myself unconsciously meant those in my company were not offered the opportunity to draw a conclusion regarding who I was! I was rejecting me at some level – MY LEVEL.

Having been shown this, I worked at liking the whole me. I worked at maintaining the real me where ever I went. I stopped morphing! That was a long held behaviour that served no purpose but to confuse me and others. How could I possibly find my tribe if I was not showing others who I was? 

Healing this, accepting me, being me, freed me. The “Fear of Self” had to go…I could not please the whole world…nor did I need to…

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