As I fell into anorexia nervosa at the age of fifteen the definition given was not yet existing in true acknowledgement; in fact, I would not hear this definition until I turned twenty-four. It was a term adopted to explain a set of behaviours where food was restricted, exercise was excessive and avoiding social settings had become the norm. With the absence of understanding within the corridors of professionals assigned the task of providing ‘recovery’ regarding this phenomena, misdiagnosis and misguidance outlined a path where frustration would be the foundation and wobbly ideas the framework for those given this name! When I was labelled with these words the explained idea saw me navigate my days in bewilderment, and nights in restless sleep.
The nine years of being barely there, starving, bingeing, staring in disgust in the mirror and using my bathroom scales as the measure of self worth, would see my world of strength turn into a life of desperation. Hidden from view the tiredness overwhelmed, but there I was believing that if I could change my look then friendships, acceptance and escape from the emotional roller coaster of sadness would surely end this life of misery. Void of knowledge that I was actually dooming myself to further exclusion, I maintained the horrendous practices adopted. With weakness now hard to ignore and pain filling my body I consulted doctors as to why my body hurt so much; apparently no clue! Eventually a kind colleague took me under her wing, hatching a plan of getting me to see her doctor. Referred to a top psychiatrist this was the timing when I was to learn of, and face the words, ‘anorexia nervosa’. The path toward recovery began … well, not really.
In trepidation I faced the weekly weigh-ins, talked about nothing really, and was bullied into restoring my weight. With a mind filled with thoughts that terrified I replaced the eating disorder with a range of illnesses given the description of ‘mental’. My life was doomed to suffering, managing and the realisation that life as an athlete and vocalist was now impossible. Life would be measured by how much energy I was able to cultivate to endure another day, and a torrent of tears falling in desperation to be heard and understood. I yearned daily to find passage back to health.
Looking ‘restored’ I knew I was anything but. As the associated ‘mental’ illnesses raged in place of anorexia nervosa, I visited far too many practitioners who thought they held the clues and solutions. I consumed supplements I didn’t need, medication that threatened to sink me further. I took up yoga, which was good for keeping my body stretched and supple, but in reality contributed nothing to the state I was living in. Arriving at locations and not knowing how, expressing anger for all the wrong reasons, maintaining the need for perfectionism, and replacing the scales of self worth with complimentary comments of how I apparently looked ‘slim and trim’ and therefore acceptable, fuelled a life dwindling into the darkness where I was the only one knowing I existed there. And, although weight appeared normal, I still regimented my intake so as not to go over the 58 kgs I had reached whilst in recovery which was acceptable and deemed ‘recovered’!
With years of suffering lived it would be a chance introduction to a female psychologist who asked a turning point question, “Tell me your Story,” that saw tears fill her surgery and a ‘knowing’ I was finally in the right place. I was to learn that held within my story were life events that had damaged my thinking, impacted my emotional state, redirected my behaviour, and highly influenced how my physical body responded to the ideas I had stored in my brain as to how life apparently worked. With fear centre front, messages damning in their misguided truth, and a set of story lines influencing my dialogue for life, I had succumbed to the only way out, it would seem, an eating disorder and all those ‘mental’ illnesses.
I came to understand that the answers as to why I developed in character and health as I did, were related to the relationship connections involved in as a child. As a fifteen year old the content of learning from these connections reached a point where my thinking, stressed in nature, saw my body fold in response. The daily script for life began to take me down the path of anorexia nervosa. I now believe this outcome was due to me wishing to control my own life; to be the master of my destiny. I would also learn that this was the plight for so many of us enduring an
eating disorder. The common ground of relationship weighs heavy where ‘mental’ is a part of the title assigned.
In exploring my dialogue I quickly acknowledged ‘fear’ as the over-ruling emotion lining my story; an overhaul of my belief system was required. Facing each fear as it presented itself I asked the question standing in the way of health and the rabbit hole of oblivion, “Is this actually true?”
I needed to face myself. I needed to create me, not the me I felt I had to be for acceptance. Twisted deep inside was an extensive range of thoughts pulling me into the world of ‘mental’; this needed to stop. Steadfast in my resolve to change I battled; I cried; I hid from the world; I conversed with those not impacted by anything described as ‘mental’. I fought with fear until the day I made this entity my friend. As ‘fear’ shared its knowledge I became grateful for the input. Gradually I was able to rewrite my script for life; gradually I set myself free from the suffering.
Gradually, I met me!
In essence, what am I saying regarding eating disorders? (And know this is my opinion based upon my story.) Eating disorders are themselves a ‘mental’ illness. It is the mind, trapped by unforgiving thoughts, that directs the emotions, the behaviour, the physical, into a world of pain. This then is where we need to go to release the hold.
Explore, identify, examine, redesign, create, and set the body free. Allow yourself to live in relaxed acceptance of self; for this will be the new foundation, solid its stance. Use this base to support the new ideas for how life really, not apparently, works to build a framework reflective of your truths which, when the eating disorder controlled, laid dormant.
Is this easy … heck no! It will be the hardest undertaking. Surrounding oneself with nurturing support, and nourishing guidance, is where the hand of recovery will be found. Connecting with the one who has lived this life before you is imperative. I know … because it was this psychologist who had lived this life before me who finally gave me the information required to undo my life and start again; who finally closed the gap between misguidance and understanding.
Understanding is key where recovery is sought. Your individual story holds the clues, and therefore, the solutions.
Eating disorders reflect the story held within. Their hold is relentless; their hold immeasurable. It will be through determined consultation via guidance with the one who understands the ‘why’ that they will have no choice but to submit to the new thinking, the new emotions, the new behaviours and the renewed physical state now emerging. This is where recovery will be found. A seemingly formidable opponent, eating disorders, and mental illnesses, can be left behind; my life gives me the confidence to say this.
To understand an eating disorder, is to understand the one currently living this life …
To UNDERSTAND the world you are living in visit www.jlkeez.com.au/programs/
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